Dear Tato: How many commie midgets does it take to beat Karnov? -Sqwirl
This diagram on the right cleary demonstrates that it takes EXACTLY 45 commie midgets to take on the man himself, Karnov. A man of such girth cannot be taken down by normal means, and he could destroy 44 commie midgets without any problems at all. HOWEVER, Karnov could not possibly handle 45 commie midgets, as everyone knows that no one on earth can take out 45 WHOLE commie midgets (gimps don't count) at one time, not even 46 nazi midgets. It's just not happening. Now you may be asking, "If 45 commie midgets can take out Karnov, than how is he still alive? 45 commie midget attacks occur everyday, and Karnov must be on their hit list." The answer?

"I get attacked by swarms of commie midgets everyday, and that's why I keep THIS baby in my pants. Thank god for my 100 inch elastic waist band. Bring on the brownies!"

Dear Tato: Sometimes the ROBs I have on my shelf seem to be staring at me...I look up and see those piercing eyes drilling into my head. Sometimes I'll turn around and see a curtain quickly drawn, with the ROB's faint outline visible. I'm scared. Any advice? -Sappy

From the official Nintendo ROB instruction manual:
Warning: If you wake up one day to find your parents slaughtered in their beds, the matress soaked with their blood, and your siblings appendages stapled to the walls of your home like artwork, precede to find projectile weapon or heavy, blunt object, as ROB has gone postal from being forced to play the same two shitty games with your geek ass for one time two many, and is hell bent on destroying as many "flesh beings" as he can. His plastic arms are capable of destroying your eyes, and he can throw his stack-up blocks so fast you'll be dead before you know it. If ROB has already fortified the doors of your home and escape is imposible, get down on your knees and pray to god to have mercy on your soul, even if you're an atheist, "Just in case." Put your head down as ROB will decapitate you if you are in this position and make your death as quick and painless as possible, before pulling your intestines out of your rectum. Thanks for using Nintendo products. Join the Nintendo Fun Club Today!

That's all we got this month, as the people of the NES community have wisened up and can answer their own god damned questions for once. Hopefully they'll stay this "intelligent" for the next issue and make my "job" easier.