The List.


Signs that you're an NES maniac:

1. Just THINKING about Level 3 in Battletoads makes you angry.

2. You wish you could be one of the homicidal robots from BaseWars.

3. You spend at least 20 minutes trying to decide if your NES looks   

   cooler WITH the little detachable plastic piece on the bottom, or if 

   it's better without it.

4. You and your friends (friends optional, see below) engage in lengthy

   discussions which inevitably turn into heated arguments about how to

   pronounce the word "Lakitu."

5. It still scares you a little bit when Jason jumps out at you in   

   Friday the 13th.

6. You LIKE Friday the 13th, regardless of how other people might feel.

7. (For musicians only) You try to learn the complete music from any 

   NES game - Extra cool if it's anything other than Super Mario Bros. 

- DOUBLE extra cool if it's Super Tecmo Bowl - TRIPLE extra cool if  

you try and teach it to a whole band.

8. You spend all day trying to figure out a way to play the 2 (or 4 if

   you're a REAL maniac)-player mode in Super Spike V'Ball by yourself.

9. You've seriously considered getting any NES character, logo, icon, 

   or symbol tatooed anywhere on your body.  Extra props to those who 

   have.  Even more extra props to those who chose to get it on their 

   ass.

10. You've ever referenced Nintendo Power.  ("Oh yeah, that's issue  

    #12, pages 24-26.  Great one.") 

11. You sleep with your unopened, first edition, pristine copy of 

    Donkey Kong Jr. Math.

12. You make long lists of Signs that you're an NES maniac.

13. You think Jim Kelly and Randall Cunningham are assholes because 

    they didn't allow their likenesses to be used in Super Tecmo Bowl 

    (Hey, if it's good enough for Montana and Rice, why not them?)

14. (Big one) You know the trick in the SMB 1 underground levels to 

    make it look like Mario's dinky is hanging out.  Some people will 

    get this, some won't.  Extra points if you try it after reading 

    this.

15. In times of extreme emotional duress, to relax yourself, you sit 

    alone in a quiet place and meditate on what "133t" REALLY means.

16. You trash talk the computer during heated rounds of Pro Wrestling 

    (Or Tecmo Super Bowl, or Tecmo NBA Basketball, or Super Dodge Ball, 

    or anything really...)

17. THERE IS NO NUMBER SEVENTEEN!

18. You ever went out on Halloween as any NES character.  Once again, 

    super props if it was anything other than Mario.  Super DUPER props 

    if it was Luigi.  (Luigi rules!!!)

19. You walk around all day, ignoring the rest of the world, trying to

    figure out the hidden meaning behind the loosely translated crap in

    Strider.

20. You're familiar with "Ace" Ebb.  Extra mack daddy acclaim if you 

    belong to his fan club.

21. You've ever written a prank email to Nintendo, or made a prank 

    phone call to their help line.  Even cooler if you've published 

    your results on the internet.

22. (Another big one) You know the "Original 17."  Extra cool factor if 

    you go to Grand NEStral station and memorize the "Original 17" 

    after reading this.  Immesurable cool factor if you already know.  

    UNBELIEVABLLY HIGH COOL FACTOR if you OWN all of them.

23. You ever used the Skull in Ultima: Quest of the Avatar in a town, 

    just because you were pissed off that day.

24. After playing Skull and Crossbones for several hours, you feel 

    pressed to respond to all yes/no questions with "Yarrr" or "Narrr".

25. You think Klashball would have been the coolest sport in the 

    universe, if only they could find some people to play it in real      

    life.

26. You use Dr. Mario to help cure all your major illnesses.

27. Three words.  Doki Doki Panic.  A million maniac points if you know

    what it is.

28. You've ever written the Konami code out as graffitti.

29. You've beaten the last stage on Bubble Bobble using 2 controllers 

    at once, just to see the "Good" ending.

30. Physical altercations have broken out, based on the outcome of your 

    NES games.  (You broke my last balloon, you asshole!  WHAM!)

31. You score games of Blades of Steel by how many fights you won, not      

    how many goals you scored.

32. You've ever said "Shinobi" silently to yourself while walking 

    around in a tough neighborhood, and felt like a badass.

33. You've ever wanted a T-Shirt with the monkey from Magic Darts on 

    it. Wouldn't that look cool?

34. You didn't know about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles until AFTER 

    you played the first NES game.

35. You've played more than 30 trial games of Dusty Diamond's All Star

    Softball, just TRYING to come up with the PERFECT team.

36. You saw the Super Mario Bros. movie, and you LIKED it.  Bonus round

    qualifications if you recommended it to your friends.  Actually, if   

    you recommended that abominably bad movie to your friends, I don't 

    like you. Stop reading this list and go away.  Just kidding.  I    

    love you.

37. You own or operate a very highly developed, technologically 

    advanced, fully upgraded and updated computer, and do nothing with 

    it but download and play emulated versions of NES games.  Extra 

    weird/slick points if you've repainted your computer so it more 

    closely resembles the classic grey/red/black color scheme that 

    everyone knows and loves.

38. Nintendo's help line has had to field multiple calls from you, 

    asking exactly how the hell to pronounce "Xexyz".  Extra cool if 

    you called back to ask "Are you sure?"

39. You hold private, very personal funeral ceremonies for your carts 

    that no longer function.  Same goes for old decks.  Even cooler if 

    you've created a Lenin-esque see-through shrine to your first NES.  

    Of course if yours still works...

40. Your dream car bears a certain resemblance to an R.C. Pro Am 

    vehicle of any type.  Extra awesome if it's the weird dune-buggy 

    thing in the third series of races.

41. You own more than 2 American Video Entertainment games.  (AVE,

    manufacturer of fine [read: shitty] unlicensed games such as Krazy

    Kreatures and Deathbots.)

42. You thought the Rollergames NES cart was cooler than the       

    Rollergames TV show.  Just general non-NES related cool points if 

    you have any idea what I'm talking about.

43. Same as above, only with The Three Stooges this time.  Extra funny   

    if you found yourself actually feeling bad for the orphans.

44. You never bothered to learn how to play chess, but you've known how  

    to play Archon for years.

45. You take screen-by-screen Polaroids of your custom tracks on

    Excitebike, then use them to paper your walls/door/window/favorite 

    person.

46. You find yourself unknowingly assuming poses from the cover art of 

    NES games when you're bored.  Coolest poses: Fist of the North Star 

    and Rygar.

47. You actually bothered to learn how to create working cartoons using 

    The Tiny Toon Cartoon Workshop.  Another belt notch of awesomeness 

    if you got it without the manual.  Multiple notches if you hold 

    public screenings of your cartoons.

48. You ever bothered to ask the question: Ultimate Basketball, All Pro

    Basketball, or Hoops?  More shame points if you bothered to answer 

    it.

49. You've looked for more games by Meldac of America, because you 

    liked Zombie Nation so much.  Actually, this one belongs on a list 

    titled "Signs that you smoke too much crack."

50. You thought joining the Nintendo Fun Club was actually going to 

    help you beat Soda Popinski.

51. "Exercise," to you, is playing any Power Pad game for more than 5

    minutes at a time.  Mad props if you include it as part of a daily     

    fitness regimen of some sort.

52. You know the noises that the guy from Kung Fu (Kung Fu Man?  Extra

    points if you know his name) makes, and you can replicate them   

    right now, off the top of your head.  Lots more cool points if   

    you're in a public place when you read this, and you still make the 

    noises.

53. You can do all the Hackey Sack tricks from California Games in real

    life.  I guess it's cool enough if you can do them in the game.  

    ("What the hell is a Reverse Doda?  ARGH!!!")

54. You thought the NES version of Terminator 2 was cooler than the 

    arcade game.  More points if you try to convince other people of 

    this.  Even more points if you get angry after reading this.

55. Your friends all leave, because they get sick of sitting there 

    waiting to play Double Dragon while you beat the whole thing over 

    and over and over.  Serious hardcore points if you don't have any 

    friends to begin with. Maximum aggro skater rock and roll karate 

    points if your IMAGINARY friends all leave.

56. You know how to hook up 2 Advantages at the same time.  Bonus  

    points if you take this knowledge and apply it to Sign #8.

57. You've read this far in the list.

58. Upon rereading years later, you were shocked to discover that 

    Nintendo Power wasn't the beacon of objective journalism that it 

    once appeared to be.

59. You decorate your R.O.B. unit.  Extra high marks from the Ukranian

    judge if you do holiday or season-specific decorations.  (Little 

    Santa suit around Christmas, little hula skirt and lei in the   

    summer...)

60. You decorate your U-FORCE.  Look, if you do this, don't admit it to

    anybody.  Extra points if you disregard that last piece of advice.

61. You don't believe in horoscopes, but you use Taboo to dictate all 

    your daily decisions.

62. THERE IS NO NUMBER SIXTY TWO!!!

63. You can't play Remote Control anymore, because you've memorized all    

    the answers.

64. You've ever thought, even for a second, that you had a chance on

    American Gladiators, based on how good you were at the game.  Bonus    

    Points if you've ever said it out loud.

65. You've ever lost sleep/hair over where that last 2% is that you 

    haven't seen or done on Kirby's Adventure.

66. The local police have had to come to your house at 3 AM, after your

    neighbors call and complain, from hearing you argue with the   

    official in Tennis.  "WHAT?  THAT WAS IN!"  Even cooler if you 

    throw your controller in a John McEnroe-esque fit of rage.

67. You've ever injured your thumbs from too much button mashing.

68. You have now (or have ever had in the past) any pets named after 

    NES characters.  Once again, bonus points for anything other than 

    Mario or Link.  DOUBLE bonus points for "Samus" or "Nobunaga".

69. You let your pieces build all the way up in Tetris, just so you can

    hear the cool-sounding speeded up versions of the theme music.     

    (Big props to the OSG for the 69th Sign)

70. You thought the book versions of Frankenstein and Dr. Jekyll and 

    Mr. Hyde SUCKED compared to the NES versions.

71. You've ever written "Fan Fiction" for any NES game.  Subtract a 

    couple points if you've ever written "Fan Fiction" for anything 

    else.

72. You know Ryu's last name.  Immense bonus points if you reference 

    Pro Wrestling to find out the answer.

73. You've ever spent time trying to decide which Ghostbusters game was

    better, one or two.  A TON of points if you liked one better than   

    the other.

74. (For musicians only, again) You've ever written a song in homage to 

    any NES character.  A million extra points if it was Irene from 

    Ninja Gaiden. ("Oh Irene, oh Irene, what am I without  

    youuuuooooouuuu.....")

75. One sentence.  "Hi, my name is ____, and I'm a Nintendo Addict."

76. You play Wild Gunman for hours on "One Bandit" even though you 

    never lose, just because you want to be like Marty McFly.  (Once 

    again, mad props to the OSG for keeping the list going.)

77. You make enormous, teetering palaces out of all your old, unused 

    dust covers.

78. (For hackers only) You stay up late at night, conspiring with your

    buddies to come up with ways to burn Funcoland.com to the ground.

79. You went out and plunked down all the freaking money to get an N64,

    just so you could smash it with a sledgehammer.  Extra points if       

    you burned the remains.

80. You have "naughty dreams" about the Panesian girls.  Even more 

    maniacal if you have "naughty dreams" about Sylvia from Kung Fu.

81. You wake up every morning, and the first thing you do is shout out 

    at the top of your lungs, "THUNDERBIRDS ARE GO!!!"

82. Many sunrises have come and gone as you sat there, by yourself, in 

    your room, playing Blades of Steel for hours, JUST TO FIGURE OUT 

    WHAT THE HELL THE REFEREE IS SUPPOSED TO BE SAYING.  "Cut the 

    pass?"  "Hit the puck?" "Hump the patch?"

83. You refer to your NES deck by name.  Extra points if you attempt to

    sweet talk it through technical problems.  (Come on honey, just 

    work for me this time and I swear I'll open you up and dust you off 

    right away...come on...)

84. You wake up in the middle of the night with your hands in that 

    familiar crooked position, fingers wildly flailing away...extra 

    points if it has anything to do with the NES controllers.

85. You don't see the need for gang violence in a world that contains   

    Urban Champion.

86. You still think Rad Racer II is the most realistic vehicle simulation of all time.  
     20 million last-second bonus points if you can't actually drive a car. 

And last, but not by any means least, the final sign that you are a

full-fledged, card-carrying, sore-thumbed, bleary-eyed, borderline

psychotic NES Maniac...

This list has given you ideas.